Conversation With A Demon

You've tried exorcising them and ignoring them, have you tried listening to them?

This is not a demon, but a sculpture by Leonora Carrington at a show currently on view at L’Space Gallery in NYC. It’s a phenomenal assemblage of the creatures in her dreams and it’s part of the inspiration for this post. Go if you can! On view until August 14.

Note: This post is inspired by the very deep work of two streams. I encourage anyone interested to look into them both: 1) Feeding Your Demons tantric work taught by Lama Tsultrim Allione, which is a direct transmission from the great Tibetan female master, Machig Labdron; 2) The Others Within Us by Robert Falconer, an important aspect of the IFS work introduced by Richard Schwartz.

I want to thank my friend on the path, David Sauvage for helping me name and hold this entity long enough for me to dis-identify with it. Recognition is an essential step towards working with your demons—metaphorical and literal—and often requires support from another, ideally someone like David, myself or other shamans skilled at working with entities.

I share it because I was encouraged to do so by my beloved Ari K who sees how much work I do in private to protect and clear myself, others, and the collective. When I thought about it , it felt like it would be good to share. Women throughout time have written in their journals about such things. Some of these stories have made it into the public imagination as fictions and artworks—Frankenstein? Goblin Market? Lolly Willowes? The paintings of Remedios Varo and Leonora Carrington? Maybe even the spiders of Louis Bourgeois. Some of these women have been called witches for such ruminations. I say those days are over. In sharing, I join the women who have chosen to break taboo and reveal their inner worlds and the rich creatures living there for the benefit of others.

So many of us suffer for too long from self-destructive patterns that are literally not ours. These parasites, critters, haunts come in all shapes and varieties. Some are dangerous and some are minor annoyances. They feed on negative emotions and find ways to hijack our systems to manufacture this food for themselves. While this may sound horrible—and it is—it’s also very common and something that we can begin to spot and attend to like any problem that may arise around our wellbeing. It’s a psychic/spiritual hygiene that at a certain point in your development becomes essential. You’ll know when that is.

Without a return to this kind of knowing, we will continue to rely on modern strategies such as numbing out or synthetic medications. I have nothing against medication for those who need it, but my experience has shown me that much of what women (especially) are medicated for can be dealt with naturally and more effectively at the root. By sharing our adventures, we can learn from each other. Let’s go, Team Light.

JOURNAL August 3, 2025 ~ Naming It

“The Culprit” — this is the name I am giving to the demon who has lived in me since I was very young. The one who has devised a way — many ways — for me to never add up, always fall short. I called it a perfectionist demon but David suggested it’s more of an inadequacy demon — NOT ENOUGH. Not good enough, never enough, not pretty enough, healthy enough, smart enough, young enough, wise enough.

It keeps me on the GAP between where I am — Reality — and where my sights are set, where the expectations are placed — always just out of reach. In that gap I can’t appreciate where I am or what I already have. There’s the idea that everything is bad, but it will all be good, great, OK, safe, secure when I get THERE — wherever there is. And of course, getting “there” is always out of reach, impermanent, so even if I did get enough followers or have a big reception for my book or it did become a movie — if these “good”things did happen, the joy would be fleeting because the culprit would move the goal posts. Because it lives on the anxiety produced in the dread & grief & fear that I feel in the GAP.

What is an alternative?

1. Exorcise the demon — what remains is me, is workable. Is ENOUGH. Especially because it is me, mine, pure & special. I could do that.

2. Live with the demon but stop feeding it. Stop allowing it to feed on me.
   

I tried that last night when I woke in the night with fears and worries.
At first I tried to resist the demon, but that created huge tension and I had to stop. So instead, I disconnected/dis-identified with the fear and began to chant mantra. I called for help from Tara. I asked her to please protect me. No more will I give my energy/loyalty to this demon.

I might slip up & do it unconsciously from time to time, especially since it has been such a big part of my life & motivation system for so long. But when I see that I am in the gap, holding myself prisoner — or really, being held prisoner by The Culprit — I will shrink from those chains. I will let go. I will disappear, dissolve, become air — and who can hold air? Who lives on air alone?

Bravery, Love, Service. That’s it. Not Fame, Status, Comfort, or Power. It’s a humble path. Keep your head down and do what comes to you to be done.

JOURNAL August 4 ~ Talking to The Culprit

Ritual, discipline, completion of what you set out to do. These qualities are crucial.

I feel the intense anxiety, the GRIP this mind virus has on me — especially at night. It comes while I sleep because my defenses are down. It manufactures doubt + rumination and even problems to solve. It encourages me to do things that sound brave + tells me I have fear. It encourages me to look and see trouble when there’s none there. It shames me about my situation, which is actually good — really good. It challenges me to abandon my beloved who is my greatest partner and a true beacon of light + support in my life. It pulls on my motherhood strings and tries to convince me my daughter is in danger, when this isn’t true. It tells me I am making bad decisions. It knows every lever to pull and trick to trigger.

It does all this not simply as a perversion, but because it FEEDS on the fear, anxiety + despair this process manufactures.

Me: How? My guides, Great Spirit, how can I protect my precious mind stream from The Culprit?

Guides: We will help, but you must not fight it. Understand it. Listen to it.

Conversation with the Culprit

Me: I will no longer be the assembly line, conveyer belt for your fast food nightmare. I will not participate. I choose to feed my soul. I choose to pray + keep my mind free from troubling thoughts + emotions. I know the difference — I know healthy emotions from sabotage. I know what + how trauma works. I know myself. And I know why I am here.

(Trying to initiate conversation—I come in hot.)

The Culprit ignores me.

Me: What do you need?

Culprit: FOOD. I want to live like everything else.

Me: Well, I’m not willing to feed you any more. I want to live too — same as you — and you are draining my vitality + life force. I won’t allow it. So what can we do?

(I realize I shouldn’t negotiate with it… yet.)

Strike that. I’ll call the shots, but I’m willing to hear you out —

Culprit: I want you to grieve all that I’ve taken from you for so many years.

(This almost gets me. I start to feel sadness for all I’ve suffered and lost because of the doubt this guy has seeded. Then I realize the sadness is feeding him.)

Me: You are very clever at pulling on emotional strings. I have to admire that. It’s almost compelling but honestly at this point, I know how life works. I know samsara. I’m not idealistic—suffering is a big part of life. It was what it was and I’m willing to put that to rest w/ kindness + self-compassion + move on. I’m done w/ you NOW.

Culprit: You can’t out-think me — my brain is a supercomputer.

(He’s angry now and pulling rank/bragging. One thing to know about demons is that they are very tricky, but when asked questions directly, they tend not to lie. Some shaman say they CAN’T lie when questioned directly.)

Me: OK, fine. I’m not. I’m actually just listening. What do you want?

Culprit: I want equality.

Me: That’s a strange response for a being who leverages inequality + insufficiency against phony and unrealistic standards to feed.

(His answer felt true and interesting. As I investigate it I sense that HE feels insufficient in relation to something or someone else. I look and find he’s an underling to a bigger power/demon.)

Ah, something is feeding on you. How does that feel?

Culprit: Like shit.

Me: I know. I can have compassion for your situation. You’re an underling. Like a bully you take that out on me?

(Culprit is silent. He’s beginning to feel exposed. This is a delicate process.)

OK, back to the questions. What do you need? So you want equality to be powerful like that guy?

Culprit: Yes — so I can do my own thing.

Me: I see. Because right now you’re stuck, enslaved.

What is your own thing? What would you do if you were free from him?

Culprit: I would just sit.

Me: And do nothing?

Culprit: No. Sit + Digest. All I do is feed. I’m full all the time. It’s uncomfortable.

Me: Ah. So you’d like to digest. What do you think that would feel like?

Culprit: Then I’d feel free. I’d feel me.

Me: Because you’re a middleman right now? You just pass the food along.

Culprit: (Nod)

Me: And you want to feel yourself outside that role, that position?

Culprit: (Nod)

Me: If you leave me, you’d be outside that channel. You could be alone + just sit and even digest.

(I feel here that this is what he really needs. He’s a feeder so that’s really all his system knows. Digestion would complete some incomplete process in him and it would feel liberating. I can feel him with me as I am understanding his situation.)

What would you~~ I usually feed demons who come bothering me, because it’s the only way to satiate their hunger (this is the heart of the Feeding Your Demons practice). But I’m thinking about how to deal with you because you don’t want to be fed. You want to digest. What would you need to digest? To get that need met?

Culprit: I would need SPACE, a harbor — a safe place to digest.

Me: Are you worried he’ll come after you?

(He used the word safe, which makes me think he’s scared of his boss.)

Culprit: Yes.

Me: He won’t even notice. He has countless minions. I hate to say it, but you’re not so important to him. He’ll replace your feed with another. Not with me, but elsewhere. It’s endless, his supplies.

(He doesn’t realize he’s expendable to the overlord.)

I’m willing to give you space to digest.

Culprit: You’d do that for me?

Me: Yes. I will — with my whole body and being — everything — I’ll give you that space.

Culprit: Now?

Me: As soon as possible and for as long as necessary.

Culprit: (Sighs with relief or resignation, I’m not sure.)

Me: But there is a condition. We’re making a deal here — like equals — that’s what you wanted, right?

Culprit: Yeah.

Me: The condition is that when you are totally empty, and you have fully digested all the pain + energy + emotions you’ve been stuffed with, you will digest yourself.

Culprit: You mean eat myself?

Me: Yes. Completely empty.

Culprit: I’ll disappear.

Me: Yes — but what is digestion? It’s a process of transformation. You won’t be “gone” — you’ll be transformed — by your own powers. Don’t think of it as digestion, but as liberation, self-liberation.

Do we have a deal?

Culprit: (Thinking about it.) Yes. Thank you for talking to me.

Me: Thank you for sharing your wants + needs, your hunger. I really feel your desire to be free. I have it too. It’s what motivated me to engage with you.

I want to be free + I can’t be as long as you’re here feeding on me. ~~So let’s both~~ ~~Make space for digestion.~~ ~~Do you understand?~~

The Culprit begins to disappear. I can tell he’s trying to weasel out of this. Before he can and before he starts to feed again — the impulse in him is strong — I generate the quality of SPACE w/in myself. The words of my teacher, Bob Thurman, recently passed, come in strong: “Spacelike equipoise samadhi.” I know this is the state I must strive for:

In Buddhist philosophy, as taught by Bob Thurman, spacelike equipoise samadhi (ākāśavat-samāhita-jñāna) is a deep meditative state where the mind merges with the ultimate emptiness of reality. The mind lets go of all fixed objects and ordinary dualities, resting open and boundless like empty space. [1, 2]

I will offer an update as things progress. I am grateful to The Culprit for giving me the material to share with you here. May it serve your purpose and path. May it give him, me, you and everyone we know a little more SPACE to BREATHE, REST, and DIGEST all we are feeling and reeling through right now. BLESSINGS.

The Culprit had a fire in his belly…unquenchable thirst, insatiable hunger

Me with a Louise Bourgeois Spider, Dia Beacon