Cultural Embodiment @ The Stoa Is Tomorrow at Noon EST ~ Incoherence
Oh folks, this one will leave you scrambled...or maybe we can get coherent on incoherence.
Dear Friends,
Tomorrow for Cultural Embodiment, I’d like to focus on something I’m seeing more and more of in public life: incoherence.
Incoherence in communication happens when body and mind are disconnected. It happens when the words are not congruent with or reflective of the felt/real/embodied emotional state of the speaker. It happens when someone is parroting language from someone else or towing a party line. It happens when people don’t mean what they are saying, or worse don’t even know what they are saying. It happens a lot when people are lying.
Coherent communication is when the word and the feeling are one, not two. It requires a simultaneous inner and outer awareness. I am aware of what I am feeling and what I am saying is accurate and aligned. I am also aware of how it is landing in you and I have enough space to incorporate your experience into the dynamic/flow of conversation. We are in a mutual process of discovery about what is true for us in this moment. When we feel safe enough to do this, it is very powerful indeed.
Incoherence happens all the time. Sometimes it’s innocuous. But, it’s never actually helpful to genuine relating and connection. It can happen:
when we don’t check in with ourselves as we are speaking and we’re genuinely unaware of what is going on inside
when we are lazy or avoidant: “How are you?” “Oh….I’m fine…”
when we’re ashamed of our actual feelings and we try to cover them up; sometimes we even fool ourselves
when we’re triggered
Those of us who are parents or had parents will recognize how incoherence can creep into the way we relate to our children. We might be exhausted or upset by something at work or in our relationship and we try to put on a brave face. It’s a noble effort, but most kids can sense it. They sense that Mom is very stressed, but she is acting playful. Or she is pretending to be engaged with the game, but really feels sad and distant. This happens when relationships go stale or into autopilot…we pretend everything is OK when it’s not. Sometimes we know we’re doing it, other times we truly do not.
As an empathic child, I can recall feeling frequently gaslit in my household…or truly, by most adults. Maybe some of you can relate. This was not because my parents were bad people, but there was a collective shadow agreement then (that I think is less present nowadays) that children shouldn’t be burdened with household problems; they should be shielded. In my household this was sometimes financial worry, grief, malaise, or free floating anxiety. I felt this. I felt it, but none of the adults around me was open with their feelings and my sensing wasn’t confirmed. Ultimately, this led me to doubt my sensing. I had no choice to believe what they said.
I have tried to take a different approach with my daughter. I try to be as honest as possible with my feelings. I try to be coherent around her. If I can tell she is sensing my challenging day or my worries, I confirm this for her in ways that are age appropriate. Now, she is almost 12. She is extremely emotionally-intelligent and savvy about human nature. She is clear when someone is being incoherent and it is a red flag for her.
Coherent communication is healing, relaxing and restores trust and intimacy. Words are powerful—they manifest, they have an impact. It is said in yogic lore that if a yogi doesn’t lie for 12 years, everything they say will come true. I believe this is probably true to some degree. And I believe it has to do with extreme coherence. Magic words are potent because they are 100% coherent with the will of the magician.
I’d love to practice coherence in our embodiment sessions. And tomorrow we will do that by looking at some pretty incoherent communication. I haven’t chosen the clips yet, but I promise they will be baffling…so many to choose from! Politicians spouting nonsense. Passive aggressive liberal lectures. Social awkwardness. We’ll see where this exploration into coherence and incoherence takes us.
Come! Join us at Noon EST tomorrow for an hour of cultural embodiment practice! Thank you to The Stoa for continued support of this practice!
I just got done participating in the July 7 gathering, Incoherence. Three videos. First was a gut workout. I saw this before, but did not laugh the first time I saw it. Knowing that it was incoherent and understood that way made it more available to my nervous system. Some on the call might have been in shock like I was the first time I saw it. The last video reminded me that making sense of somethings is a process. One that can take a long time. Being emphatic is a state I will be more Leary of. The Truth not likely to rest in such a place or moment informed by my feelings of power or comfort.
A good dose of humor like the honey that makes the medicine go down easier.