Tenacious Magic ~ Chapter 16

A dream...new confidence, new carriage * Libido is lost * H: "Time to begin your journey" * The MOON * The veil lifts, voices in the night * Back to H to learn

A Priestess of Bacchus, 1890, John William Godward

Dear Friends,

I am writing to you as the shadow of the earth moves across the surface of the full moon. We are in Taurus season and a full moon eclipse is happening in Scorpio. I couldn’t have planned this timing. Sacred timing always feels this way, doesn’t it?Precise, without effort.

Taurus rules desire and the body. It also has the staying power of the bull, which is necessary for staying with what is uncomfortable and even painful to feel and witness. Scorpio is, of course, the dive into the underworld, the watery depths, the ground where the disciple struggles with and has the potential to transmute sexuality, death, darkness, and poisons. Scorpio represents the very process of dying into the light, enlightenment—REBIRTH and the Phoenix rising from the ashes. This week’s chapter is full of these themes—life and death, the moon, the darkness, the journey into awareness of the priestess archetype, and the deep transmutation of our desire nature.

This week also comes with a mild ADULT CONTENT WARNING, maybe PG-13. There is talk of sex, talk of not having sex, and talk of group sex. I just want you, reader, to know before you dive in. It’s been a journey for me to bring this to you. It’s raw and vulnerable, personally. But, also touches universal pain and collective trauma around how our culture holds sex and sexuality. And how this really destroys us. What gets suppressed takes us down eventually. I think the stakes are highest for women in a patriarchal world-time, but no one is immune.

The sexuality that I write about in this story, in this context, is sacred sexuality. It is a different thing ALTOGETHER from what mainstream culture views as sexuality. What we are witnessing is the initiation of the priestess archetype, the priestess being the high feminine holder of the sexual/creative power of The Universe (Shakti, Eros…) in human form; capable of channeling it into creation and fertility in this earthly realm. She does this with her body, through her sexual and sensual subtle arts and ritual. She is a female magician of the highest order and sexual magic and initiation is her domain. The world ceases to exist, the balance is lost, when there are no priestesses.

Priestess of Apollo, 1888 by Sir Lawrence Tadema at the Tate in London

And in a patriarchal time, which is what we’ve had for the last five thousand years, priestesses have been guardians of the female mysteries and wisdom traditions. They have maintained as much power as women can have within a patriarchy and they have done it in secrecy, on subtle planes, and sometimes at great cost to themselves. They have sacrificed themselves to keep The Feminine alive in the world. Thanks to these incarnations and faithful servants of the Goddess.

I want to give you this background because I didn’t have it when I entered the period of revelation you will see me enter here in Chapter 16. I had very little context for what was happening. Fortunately, I had H. He initiated me into my powers as a Priestess and he guided me skillfully through the very tricky process of coming into possession of those powers, but eventually he and I made a mistake. We misunderstood what was happening—got carried away by the strong archetypal energies we were conjuring.

As we will see over the next few chapters, without a sanctioned and transparent process for such initiations in our culture, things can get left out, left in the dark, or warped; shadow can become operational and even overtake the process. With a few exceptions—maybe in some eastern Tantric contexts or possibly in some special places like Tamera, Portugal—there’s really no good and beautiful way for this to happen without potential for collateral damage. I believe these practices and processes of sexual initiation need to be re-imagined and held safely within community where women and men can be supported through the process and our youth can come into their full expression of sexuality and self in a sacred and loving way.

When this all happened to me—the veil lifted and I was barraged/gifted with memories and archetypal imagery of the priestesses through time—I thought they were my own past lives. Now, I can see that what was happening was less personal and more universal/collective memory. What I have begun to see NOW as I write this story is that my natural channeling abilities, my gifts as an empath, made me OPEN to these currents that are alive and moving through us and through the culture constantly—if we are not aware of them, they even possess us, in a way. For a decade I inhabited this archetype. This story is just about the beginning. Now, I am moving into a new archetypal journey and I’m sure one day, I’ll probably be called to write about that, too.

Tenacious Magic has always been about the deep transmutation of the desire body and the cleaning up of the shadows in the archetypal relating of the masculine and feminine in the sacred marriage or sacred consort context. We’re getting into the meat of it now, the cauldron is on the alchemical fire—so to speak. I know it’s been cooking me (in good ways). We are starting to move into the parts of the process I can’t see as well…or didn’t then. I am seeing more and more every week that I write. I am understanding more about what happened and why. I hope you benefit from what is beautiful here and learn from my mistakes.

Please make comments or write me if this is speaking to you or you have questions, suggestions or insights. It really helps.

The sexuality of the priestess is without shame and so must her writing be without shame. For really, what’s the difference? Writing is sex when it’s done right. Dancing is sex (obviously). Painting is sex. Conversation can be sex! The Shakti fuels and travels through creativity, self-expression, and the transmission of the truths that are in accordance with the Laws of Nature. It was the patriarchy and organized religion that installed the shame mechanism in the human psyche. It is the re-embrace of our sacred sexual selves that will bring us back into touch with this most precious resource.

Note: If you are new to my Substack, Tenacious Magic is an emergent, serial novel about the teacher/student relationship, the masculine and feminine, Katherine Mansfield and Gurdjieff, power, sexuality, and time. I publish a chapter every Friday. Here is an introduction to the project. Here is Chapter 1. The chapters are free up to Chapter 7, at which point I took it behind the paywall. If you enjoy it, please subscribe and join the discussion. I incorporate reader comments and invite opinions and insights from readers to influence and inform where the story goes.

Now, back to the story…

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter…
I am she whose wedding is great,
And I have not taken a husband…
I am shameless;
I am ashamed…
I am godless,
And I am one whose God is great.”

—The Thunder, Perfect Mind (from the Gnostic Gospels)

Brooklyn, March 2011

I dream that I am walking to the airport, holding my baby in my arms. With each step she’s getting heavier and heavier. I can see the buildings in the distance, though I’m not sure how to get there and as we walk it seems to be getting father away, not closer. I am calm considering the circumstances.

We cross a bridge and I look down into the deep waters below us. I say to the baby, “This is the site of the lost city of Atlantis.” We stand there for a minute looking over the edge, pondering the fate of that mythical land. But, we’ve got a flight to catch.

Next thing I know, we’re in a car and I’m driving us to catch the flight. The car is a junker and I wonder if we’re even going to make it. Paul is in the passenger seat looking at maps and very anxious about our route. In stark contrast, I am speeding along the highways…literally the car is hovering off the earth. I have decided to trust my intuition to get us there. I believe I can tap into a place inside me that knows the way. Intentionally, I am driving faster than my mind can think things through. I turn the wheel when my body feels an urge, keeping my foot heavy on the accelerator. 

Quickly I take an exit and merge onto a new road, then another exit and another merge, and then I realize we’re on the airport property. We’ve made it! I am justified in my convictions and jubilant. I got us there! Paul is looking confused and irritated that my way worked. He’s still holding the maps.

We speed into a parking lot, stopping at the kiosk to take a ticket from the attendant. She is standing just outside the booth and takes a good look at our rusty old car. She walks slowly around the vehicle as we sit there awaiting approval for entry. It’s a situation that should be making me crazy with anxiety, but instead I am steady and contented. I’m ready to accept whatever happens.