Welcome back to an emergent story about spirituality, the feminine path of wisdom, writing, sexuality, magic, and the synchronicities that knit us together through time...
This is heart-poundiogly good. Mysterious, foreboding, powerful, beautiful, loving, terrifying, all of it.
The line "I am in need of a writer" hooked me right in. It's fascinating to consider that line doing the same thing to me in 2023 as it did to you in 2009. It works on so many levels in the greater context of the story. My interpretation: the part of you that "wanted to be free" was in need of a writer, Katherine was in need of a writer, right-now-me as a reader is in need of you as a writer. I don't believe H was in need of a writer, he was clearly capable of writing compelling messages on his own.
"Pick a place downtown." The sense of preordination, the questions of agency. So well-evoked.
Your writing about the malleability of time and the transcendent is spot on. I felt things, and could imagine what you described. Love how you encapsulated the multi-faceted magic of living in NYC.
One small question: In this line, "I recall there was also a small kitchenette (never used) behind a curtain." I wondered why we jumped into present-day narrator's consciousness. Was it a reminder to the reader that all of this has already happened, maybe to create a sense of safety? Staying in the present would build the tension and that little shift releases it. I think either works depending on what you're trying to achieve. Gotta run so I can keep reading. It's hard to make myself stop and leave these notes because I want to turn pages.
Jessica, thank you for pulling out that line..."I am in need of a writer." I hadn't caught how it does work on so many levels and yes...how essential. You remind me.....during that time with H I lived across the street from the Brooklyn Museum. On the pediment of the museum there are kings, pharoahs, angels and female figures. One of the women is barechested and beautiful and holding a tablet and quill/pen/tool. I really identified with her role...scribe of some sort. I think of her again now.
Yes, that's a good catch on the present-day consciousness intruding. It wasn't my intention. You will see in a few chapters that a reader suggests that I use the third person, present tense structure I used with KM's story for my own. Her idea was that it might give me more freedom. She was right! I like it and I have shifted into that present tone, which keeps ME more present in that time and less in my memory banks :)
Thank you for your beautiful and close reading. I think you've given me a gift for the chapter I am working on this week!
The thing that strikes me is the terribly uneven balance of power between the narrator and H. H asks 'Would you like to meet?' And then immediately, "Pick a place," so that the question of would you like to meet has not yet been answered. It feels ominous, like consent has not been given. And then there are three paragraphs in a row where H speaks, and the narrator merely "nods" or is "nodding" like she has no voice. I picture her with tape over her mouth. Not literally, but maybe it feels like she has tape over her mouth?
Also - "I squirmed as his gaze held me..." Powerful sentence and it made me thing of a small helpless animal being pinned down. I just feel so much danger coming from this person, although it is strange because H is potentially someone who has the power to change the narrator in a very beneficial way? I am thinking a theme might emerge that sometimes you have to traverse dangerous things in order to get to where you need to be.
I am fascinated by this project and I hope I am getting the assignment right. It "feels" strange though, and somewhat confusing. I am imagining that the story has already been written and I don't understand how the reader would be shaping. But I am curious to find out!
Hello Beth! Thank you for your observations and precise sensing. I am so grateful for reasons I'll get to in a moment. I'd like to speak to the last paragraph first:
Absolutely yes you have got "the assignment" right :) Thank you for naming that it feels strange and confusing. This helps me because right now I am guessing about how the project is being received and the more feedback I get, the more I understand how to position things. It's an experiment for me, too! Maybe knowing a bit more would help you and other who read your comment and possibly aren't commenting because of the same feeling...
So the story is PARTLY written. I have a decent rough draft that I wrote in 2018 summer. I wrote it quickly in a matter of months mostly because the parts about Katherine Mansfield that will start to be introduced in a couple of weeks were coming to me like channeled scenes and I needed to take them down as they came through. I tried to capture all I could about her time with Gurdjieff and also recall as much as I could about this time for me with H. There are many parallels, which we shall see.
Here is the "but" and the why of this experiment...I was never happy with either woman's story. I knew I was writing to work out the power dynamics regarding the fraught nature of the path for women and men where spiritual power and polarity is concerned and also the questions that arise for women on the path. I wrote the draft in 2018 with about 60% healing/retrospect (if such things can be measured). I just couldn't see my way then (or even now frankly) to resolution, liberation and integration. I am doing the healing as we go and your comments are part of THAT process which is in progress, not written, and will inform how the story unfolds...which details I share and how the characters are portrayed etc.
The me that I portray here is naive and about to enter the choppy waters. You sense this danger because that is what my psyche was sensing--on the one hand the very real and necessary danger of ego death and dissolution, but also maybe an early warning system within me about the imbalance of power you note. I would never put myself NOW in the situation I did then because I learned a lot. It's funny to write now about how I saw it then.
I don't want to reveal much more now because I want the story to unfold naturally. Of course, it is also "written" already in that I lived it. Haha. But, even that is malleable. My hypothesis is that we can bend time. It's like WE (you, me and other readers) can help me and Katherine SEE better and in the SEEING we might expose some of the nuances of these dynamics that still plague the spiritual path. My ultimate goal - in a way - is to liberate ALL the characters including the men. Wouldn't that be amazing! The men here don't have to be the villains even if we need to hold them accountable for something. We shall see. Perhaps the women also need to be held accountable.
The Katherine story may feel more malleable because I did not live that and I am going on visions and speculation and fiction actually. So I will be excited to introduce that plot-line.
Thank you so much. As you can see from the length of my response your participation helps and heals so much. I hope you stay engaged. I feel like I am also meeting sisters and mentors for my young self through the project :)
"The men here don't have to be the villains even if we need to hold them accountable for something. Perhaps the women also need to be held accountable." SO MUCH YES! Women need to be accountable for recognizing and reclaiming their own power! And we all need so much help with this, especially from other women. ( I feel like your divine feminine meditation was such an important part of how this can happen for us.) I will definitely stay engaged and I am excited to read more.
I feel like this subtle precision in the healing of dynamics is what I am searching for: how does the healing actually happen? What do we all need to own and take responsibility for? I couldn't get there on my own in 2017-2018 so I put the writing away. I believe I/we can get there together, with help and multiple perspectives. Your notes are helping me already, Beth :)
OK, this is a ridiculous thing to do (as i haven't yet even finished reading all of this 2nd chapter, Schuyler) but i feel compelled to nevertheless immediately come here and leave a (fairly brief, i hope?) comment.
The resonance, in terms of my own familiarity (to varying degrees with each of the three geographical areas so far mentioned) relating to NYC is just so powerful...
Loving the language you're using and how excellently you're capturing the flavor of the two (both in Manhattan) that i'm more familiar with (i only know Brooklyn a little bit). OK, now back to read more (though it may be quite a while before i drop another comment here; perhaps not even until an additional chapter (or several?) are shared with us)...
So much appreciation for what you're trying to do, and incredibly grateful for the invitation to participate (and hopeful that others, possibly mutual friends of us both whom you've brought together via your previous offerings, will also join in).
Well that didn't take nearly as long as i anticipated it would (i still haven't yet finished reading and i'm already leaving a 2nd comment!).
i suspect that the Schuyler i know now might have recognized this as a bit of a red flag:
<He admonished me not to be so sentimental, so emotional.>
Curious whether you are able to figure out if 2009 Schuyler's antennae reacted to that in the moment, or afterwards (seems from what you've written there was no awareness that this "direction" of H's was actually a pull away from the core attributes of your very identity which you inherently have probably always nurtured).
Bingo! I love how you put that, Charlie. Yes, the Schuyler you know now would argue with him and/or walk out the door. The Schuyler "then" was in the belief/trauma that she was overly-emotional, irrational, unruly and "too much" and so she believed him. In a sense, I had to go through the extreme he offered to come out the other side certain of my views now. I hope that makes sense. I love that you caught it. XO
This is heart-poundiogly good. Mysterious, foreboding, powerful, beautiful, loving, terrifying, all of it.
The line "I am in need of a writer" hooked me right in. It's fascinating to consider that line doing the same thing to me in 2023 as it did to you in 2009. It works on so many levels in the greater context of the story. My interpretation: the part of you that "wanted to be free" was in need of a writer, Katherine was in need of a writer, right-now-me as a reader is in need of you as a writer. I don't believe H was in need of a writer, he was clearly capable of writing compelling messages on his own.
"Pick a place downtown." The sense of preordination, the questions of agency. So well-evoked.
Your writing about the malleability of time and the transcendent is spot on. I felt things, and could imagine what you described. Love how you encapsulated the multi-faceted magic of living in NYC.
One small question: In this line, "I recall there was also a small kitchenette (never used) behind a curtain." I wondered why we jumped into present-day narrator's consciousness. Was it a reminder to the reader that all of this has already happened, maybe to create a sense of safety? Staying in the present would build the tension and that little shift releases it. I think either works depending on what you're trying to achieve. Gotta run so I can keep reading. It's hard to make myself stop and leave these notes because I want to turn pages.
Jessica, thank you for pulling out that line..."I am in need of a writer." I hadn't caught how it does work on so many levels and yes...how essential. You remind me.....during that time with H I lived across the street from the Brooklyn Museum. On the pediment of the museum there are kings, pharoahs, angels and female figures. One of the women is barechested and beautiful and holding a tablet and quill/pen/tool. I really identified with her role...scribe of some sort. I think of her again now.
Yes, that's a good catch on the present-day consciousness intruding. It wasn't my intention. You will see in a few chapters that a reader suggests that I use the third person, present tense structure I used with KM's story for my own. Her idea was that it might give me more freedom. She was right! I like it and I have shifted into that present tone, which keeps ME more present in that time and less in my memory banks :)
Thank you for your beautiful and close reading. I think you've given me a gift for the chapter I am working on this week!
The thing that strikes me is the terribly uneven balance of power between the narrator and H. H asks 'Would you like to meet?' And then immediately, "Pick a place," so that the question of would you like to meet has not yet been answered. It feels ominous, like consent has not been given. And then there are three paragraphs in a row where H speaks, and the narrator merely "nods" or is "nodding" like she has no voice. I picture her with tape over her mouth. Not literally, but maybe it feels like she has tape over her mouth?
Also - "I squirmed as his gaze held me..." Powerful sentence and it made me thing of a small helpless animal being pinned down. I just feel so much danger coming from this person, although it is strange because H is potentially someone who has the power to change the narrator in a very beneficial way? I am thinking a theme might emerge that sometimes you have to traverse dangerous things in order to get to where you need to be.
I am fascinated by this project and I hope I am getting the assignment right. It "feels" strange though, and somewhat confusing. I am imagining that the story has already been written and I don't understand how the reader would be shaping. But I am curious to find out!
Hello Beth! Thank you for your observations and precise sensing. I am so grateful for reasons I'll get to in a moment. I'd like to speak to the last paragraph first:
Absolutely yes you have got "the assignment" right :) Thank you for naming that it feels strange and confusing. This helps me because right now I am guessing about how the project is being received and the more feedback I get, the more I understand how to position things. It's an experiment for me, too! Maybe knowing a bit more would help you and other who read your comment and possibly aren't commenting because of the same feeling...
So the story is PARTLY written. I have a decent rough draft that I wrote in 2018 summer. I wrote it quickly in a matter of months mostly because the parts about Katherine Mansfield that will start to be introduced in a couple of weeks were coming to me like channeled scenes and I needed to take them down as they came through. I tried to capture all I could about her time with Gurdjieff and also recall as much as I could about this time for me with H. There are many parallels, which we shall see.
Here is the "but" and the why of this experiment...I was never happy with either woman's story. I knew I was writing to work out the power dynamics regarding the fraught nature of the path for women and men where spiritual power and polarity is concerned and also the questions that arise for women on the path. I wrote the draft in 2018 with about 60% healing/retrospect (if such things can be measured). I just couldn't see my way then (or even now frankly) to resolution, liberation and integration. I am doing the healing as we go and your comments are part of THAT process which is in progress, not written, and will inform how the story unfolds...which details I share and how the characters are portrayed etc.
The me that I portray here is naive and about to enter the choppy waters. You sense this danger because that is what my psyche was sensing--on the one hand the very real and necessary danger of ego death and dissolution, but also maybe an early warning system within me about the imbalance of power you note. I would never put myself NOW in the situation I did then because I learned a lot. It's funny to write now about how I saw it then.
I don't want to reveal much more now because I want the story to unfold naturally. Of course, it is also "written" already in that I lived it. Haha. But, even that is malleable. My hypothesis is that we can bend time. It's like WE (you, me and other readers) can help me and Katherine SEE better and in the SEEING we might expose some of the nuances of these dynamics that still plague the spiritual path. My ultimate goal - in a way - is to liberate ALL the characters including the men. Wouldn't that be amazing! The men here don't have to be the villains even if we need to hold them accountable for something. We shall see. Perhaps the women also need to be held accountable.
The Katherine story may feel more malleable because I did not live that and I am going on visions and speculation and fiction actually. So I will be excited to introduce that plot-line.
Thank you so much. As you can see from the length of my response your participation helps and heals so much. I hope you stay engaged. I feel like I am also meeting sisters and mentors for my young self through the project :)
"The men here don't have to be the villains even if we need to hold them accountable for something. Perhaps the women also need to be held accountable." SO MUCH YES! Women need to be accountable for recognizing and reclaiming their own power! And we all need so much help with this, especially from other women. ( I feel like your divine feminine meditation was such an important part of how this can happen for us.) I will definitely stay engaged and I am excited to read more.
I feel like this subtle precision in the healing of dynamics is what I am searching for: how does the healing actually happen? What do we all need to own and take responsibility for? I couldn't get there on my own in 2017-2018 so I put the writing away. I believe I/we can get there together, with help and multiple perspectives. Your notes are helping me already, Beth :)
OK, this is a ridiculous thing to do (as i haven't yet even finished reading all of this 2nd chapter, Schuyler) but i feel compelled to nevertheless immediately come here and leave a (fairly brief, i hope?) comment.
The resonance, in terms of my own familiarity (to varying degrees with each of the three geographical areas so far mentioned) relating to NYC is just so powerful...
Loving the language you're using and how excellently you're capturing the flavor of the two (both in Manhattan) that i'm more familiar with (i only know Brooklyn a little bit). OK, now back to read more (though it may be quite a while before i drop another comment here; perhaps not even until an additional chapter (or several?) are shared with us)...
So much appreciation for what you're trying to do, and incredibly grateful for the invitation to participate (and hopeful that others, possibly mutual friends of us both whom you've brought together via your previous offerings, will also join in).
Well that didn't take nearly as long as i anticipated it would (i still haven't yet finished reading and i'm already leaving a 2nd comment!).
i suspect that the Schuyler i know now might have recognized this as a bit of a red flag:
<He admonished me not to be so sentimental, so emotional.>
Curious whether you are able to figure out if 2009 Schuyler's antennae reacted to that in the moment, or afterwards (seems from what you've written there was no awareness that this "direction" of H's was actually a pull away from the core attributes of your very identity which you inherently have probably always nurtured).
Bingo! I love how you put that, Charlie. Yes, the Schuyler you know now would argue with him and/or walk out the door. The Schuyler "then" was in the belief/trauma that she was overly-emotional, irrational, unruly and "too much" and so she believed him. In a sense, I had to go through the extreme he offered to come out the other side certain of my views now. I hope that makes sense. I love that you caught it. XO